That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
