this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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