i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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