I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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