2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
