her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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