I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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