I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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