my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
