I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
