he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
