dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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