Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
