So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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