guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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