That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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