He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
do herpes really smell.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
