There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
