i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
