oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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