I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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