Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
