Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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