Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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