Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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