They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
