I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
