I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
