so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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