i think my tv is drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
