I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Farmville is her only friend.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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