Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
