i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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