Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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