shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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