can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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