Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
