I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
