I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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