I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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