Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
