You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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