On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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