Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
