People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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