Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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