yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
