All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
