worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
