even my farts smell like vagina
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I want her autograph on my taint
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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