I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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