Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
