I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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