a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i love accidental penises.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
