dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
