Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
