I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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