Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
