Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
